For mature aged men in the closet, particularly those married and/or with families, this can be a difficult decision to make. Though a definitive answer as to what one should do in this scenario is not possible here, this post will delve into the pros and cons, as well as questions that ought to be reflected upon.

The ideal is as clear as the appeal of it: freedom. Honesty leading to you feeling free to be who you are. But free with whom? Will you be able/willing to maintain a relationship with your wife, if you have one? Or any children? For many, the latter is more important than the former. One friend of mine, who did come out, came to the conclusion that if his kids didn’t accept him, it meant he hadn’t raised them right. But this is not such an easy conclusion to reach. On the other hand, though the cost of it must be weighed up: you will likely feel a sense of alleviation if you come out. No more lies, or looking over your shoulder. You might even be able to enjoy simple liberties like a morning coffee with a group of gay friends somewhere without the need to fabricate a story. And that can be quite nice. This leads me onto my next point:

Community. One thing that can lead to recognising and acting upon a same-sex attraction to men is a solitary marriage lacking in love, if it develops that way. Upon entering the gay scene, a person in such a scenario might find they are snapped up like fresh meat. That person might also find that such newfound popularity has an expiry date after their face becomes familiar. In some cases, this even leads to a man eventually wanting to go back to his wife. However, this can be circumnavigated if one makes genuine friendships and forms some type of community in the gay scene. And this is a very valid reason for opening up to people by way of coming out.

Another advantage: if you are hoping to acquire a monogamous relationship with another man, then by coming out you will be in more of a position to do so. When a married man asks a single gay man for monogamy, there are some who will accept it, but many won’t, the reason being that it is not a reciprocal and level playing field. For, in this case, the married man is able to telephone whenever he has a spare moment, or even make a small trip away when he can, but the single man is barred from acting with the same spontaneity, not to mention the facet of having to spend most time apart. If you come out, you are likely to become more available, and the possibility of a serious relationship with a man can follow.

Another factor to consider: if you come out, it is at your discretion, in your words, at your chosen place/time, and only to whomever you want to know. Though nobody should ever out somebody else, as it is an atrocious act, it unfortunately does happen from time to time. If a person is getting involved with men, particularly if they are frequenting venues where there are many to see and by whom to be seen, then proceeding on the side of caution can be beneficial. However few and far between they may be, there are horror stories out there of a lover outing a married man in order to be with him, his life falling into tatters, and subsequently not feeling attracted to him anymore (and other stories to the same effect with slight variations).

Though the following only happens among the blatantly ignorant, if you are a grandparent who comes out, some may conflate homosexuality with paedophilia, as was done in the past, and this could lead to you not being trusted to be alone with your grandkids; as affronting to one’s pride and dignity as that may be. If such a situation arises, you can highlight the clear distinction between paedophiles and homosexuals, or mention that such crime actually occurs more often among the sexually repressed than those living open and free lives, but I think all this can be helped more by setting and sticking to boundaries. One last horror story I heard, that I think could be prevented with better boundaries, is that of one man forbidding his new partner from seeing his kids or even attending one of their weddings. This is clearly overstepping a mark for most, but without rigid and clear limitations, a person can succumb to such conditions. A more common example is receiving questions of a sexual nature from straight people, e.g. what type of sex do you have? with which boundaries can also assist. A little tip: try flipping this question if anyone ever asks it to you, just to see how embarrassed they get!

There could be other factors hindering your coming out – e.g. religion, which is too big a topic to get into now. But the most important question perhaps is whether your life is currently in a good balance. Hopefully the points and questions in this post can direct you towards the reflection needed to make that judgement of balance about your/somebody’s life, and help you to act accordingly.

If you want to leave any thoughts, there is a comment box below you can write into (either anonymously or not). Otherwise – all the best from me!